On Aug. 28, 2003, my mother, La Faye S. Lynch, suffered a stroke. She became unconscious and I prayed that she would not die. My prayers were answered and miraculeously she regaind consciousness. I called 911 and she was taken to the emergency room at Jackson, Hospital in Montgomery, Alabama. After her recovery she was transferred to Crowne nursing home as a temporary patient. She is now in room 13 at Crowne nursing home, having been declared a ward of the state of Alabama, destined to spend the remainder days of her life separated from family, locked up like a prisoner in a small concrete block room.
This is not what my mother ever wanted. She planned well for herself and had assigned a Durable Power of Attorney to me in 1995. I sat through several surgeries with her over the years and believe it was my actions which saved her live after she had a stroke in late August, 2003. Yet there were hostile, out-of-state relatives who objected to my mother's desires responded to her illness in such a way as to destroy my family and seek to cause financial ruin.
The extent to which the disease process of dementia can break up families and cause the eruption of emotional fumaroles is clearly illustrated by the hearing in Montgomery County Probate Court regarding guardian/conservator for La Faye S. Lynch. My mother was 84 years old at the time she had her storke. Relatives, instead of coming together to support the rights and liberties of my mother to make her own decisions, to nominate her own guardian/conservator, were at odds. Thus an attorney appointed by the Court to represent my mother, recommended that perfect strangers; i.e., a guardian/conservator ad litem be named to represent my mother. This was in direct conflict to the long established wishes and desires of my mother, who nominated me to be her guardian/conservator. I believe my mother made this choice as I am quite able and responsible to make life and death decisions, to manage a home, bank accounts and do all those things necessary for her health, safety and welfare should she become incapacitated. Also another factor was my history as an advocate for persons with disabilities, including my dear brother, Larry, who has mental retardation. Plus my mother knew I had been a mentor to other family members, motivating them to follow their dreams and reach high goals.
What was dumfounding about this particular hearing is that the very person who could speak out and explain why I should be my mother's guardian/conservator, was not present in court; i.e., my mother was absent from the hearing which would determine her own fate! Nor were any of her own private doctors present. She had recently been diagnosed with early signs of dementia, and, in fact, was having her rights denied and her dignity insulted by the very proceedings under way, such that the testimony offered by social workers, nurses and relatives who were seeking to gain power and control over her estate and income, was orchestrated to get the desired result, that being a court appointed guardian/conservator. The consequence of this action was to destroy a happy, loving family and seek to cause the financial ruin of all involved.
The fact is, my mother had nominated me as guardian/conservator through Durable Power of Attorney signed in 1995. She did so knowing that there was no significant reason I should not be appointed her guardian/conservator. In fact, I was the ideal person to fill this role, having helped take care of my mother and her dependend son, Larry, who has mental retardation, since my father died in 1973. In fact, I had also helped mentor Sharon and Brad, my eldest brother's two children.
I'd like to go on record as saying that I love my eldest brother Greg, my niece, Sharon, and my nephew, Brad. After all, Greg, Sharon and Brad are family. Of course I do not always agree with my relatives, especially when they fly in like seagulls, start squawking, leave their dropping, then fly off. In this regard, Greg and Sharon seem to blame me for my mother's dementia, which has resulted in a family dispute and legal conflict. However, as a moral person and man of God, it is my duty and my obligation to forgive those who have trespassed against me, to replace any embitterment stemming from their actions of hostility and anger, from their irrelevant testimony, and to replace this with goodwill and love. That is the cure not for dementia, the disease, but for the turmoil dementia brings to families endeavoring to deal with the aging, the wasting away and the slow dying this disease causes in our parents and grandparents.
Dementia is a disease, one which effects not only the afflicted but every family member who cares about them and who loves them. Yet if we let the disease that is dementia destroy that love which exists between family members then the disease of dementia becomes one not only which effects our elderly loved one, but which tears at our own minds, hearts and souls.
In her testimony with respect to my mother's guardianship, Sharon neglected to mention the fact that my mother had helped to raise her, that as she was often in our home I would act as her mentor, helping to inspire and encourage her to develop her skills and abilities, especially as relates to journalism. In this regard I helped Sharon publish her first article in a national magazine, Accent on Living.
This was a short piece entitled, "Kennedy Advocated Civil Rights," about Teddy Kennedy, Jr., Senator Edward Kennedy's son who had lost a leg to cancer as a child. Teddy had toured the rehabilitation centers in Montgomery, Alabama in February, 1985. I was invited by Ms. Betty Fitz-Gerald, the Goodwill Ambassador for the City of Montgomery, to be among the entourage which accompanied Mr. Kennedy on his campaign to champion the rights of persons who are physically and mentally challenged.
Sharon was living with me and my mother, attending Saint James High School. When Sharon heard that I had been invited to photograph and document this tour of rehab centers, Sharon wanted to come along for the ride.
Realizing this would be a great opportunity for her to meet and write about a celebrity, I let her tag along and later helped her submit the article she wrote and get it published using as an illustration a photograph I took of Teddy Kennedy, Jr. during his tour.
This is an example of how I mentored Sharon, encouraging her, showing her how to conduct celebrity interviews and to document a news worthy event on film and tape recorder. Sharon has neutered and developed her journalistic skills and abilities to become a national reporter for the Associated Press, a fact which both my mother and I are very proud of, given the many years we spent motivating her to learn and work toward high goals. I take pride in the fact that when Sharon was in high school I helped stimulate her interest and motivated her to become an outstanding journalist.
I also helped mentor Greg's son, Brad. A life changing experience for Brad was when I took him on a cross-country trip from Montgomery, Alabama, to Yellowstone National Park. Brad had been having problems at home and wanted to get away for the summer, so I invited him to travel with me. There was never any question over the years with my being alone with either Sharon or Brad, on trips, in hotels, or in the privacy of their own home, as I had always treated both Sharon and Brad well, just as a father might his own children.
On our trip in 1989, Brad and I visited such places and the Great Sand Dunes National Monument and Estes Park, in Colorado, one of Brad's favorite towns. Then at Yellowstone National Park Brad got a summer job which eventually let to his career as a chef. Also Brad became very interested in hiking and rock climbing, hobbies he still pursues until this day.
The summer Brad spent with me at Yellowstone National Park changed his life. He was transformed from a bored teenager getting into trouble into a young man with goals and a direction in life, one he had not been able to find living with his father. Perhaps it was just being exposed to nature, to the grandeur of Yellowstone which changed Brad's life. But I like to think I had a bit more to do with Brad's transformation than that, given our many long talks and conversations in which I shared a potpourri of my ideas and views about life, love and how to be a decent human being. Certainly my mother was aware of the role I had played in mentoring Brad, one his father never seemed to master, when she nominated me to be her guardian/conservator in 1995.
Probably the primary reason my mother nominated me to be guardian/conservator for both Larry and herself, was the many years I had already spent as Larry's guardian angel, of sorts. Since a young child I'd always watched over and protected Larry. I would never let anyone hurt Larry, either physically or by calling him names such as, "retard."
After my father died in 1973, caring for Larry became a larger responsibility for my mother. She moved to Montgomery in 1978 so that Larry could be in McInnis school, that he would be able to get medical care at Maxwell AFB, and so that she could be close to her sister, Martha, and Martha's husband, Jim. Then in 1982, I came to Montgomery to help my mother take care of Larry. Since then I have helped in every aspect of Larry's care, from taking him to doctor's appointments to cooking meals and helping him shop for cloths. I'm sure when my mother nominated me as guardian/conservator in 1995 for both herself and Larry, she knew that I was the one person who was both capable and responsible to do the job.
Without a doubt Larry and I share a special bond. As children I would play games with Larry and read to him. When children on the playground would make fun of Larry, calling him a "retard" I would tell them to stop, and shelter Larry from such abuse and insults. One day Larry miraculously began to read, but this was probably not so much a miracle as it was due to the fact Larry and I shared so much time together looking at books, that I would bring him along with me, instead of leaving him behind as other children would do, and helped Larry learn, even when his teachers could not.
On many occasions I have contributed to Larry's learning and his development of his special gifts. This has involved taking him to the bookstore and letting him pick out books to add to his collection of atlases, travel guides, almanacs and gazettes. Larry has a remarkable gift in that he can record and remember geographical information which he reads or sees in books. Larry also is fascinated with animals and has a wealth of knowledge stored in his mind about marine life and other wildlife. His room includes shelves full of his favorite books and a television so that he can watch his favorite programs which includes the Animal Channel, the Discovery Channel and the Disney Channel, among others.
Throughout Larry's life I have mentored him. This includes taking Larry upon trips. I took Larry to our nation's Capital and introduced him to such museums as the Smithsonian Institute and the National Aquarium. As children Larry and I toured the Louvre in Paris, France. We also went to Disney World together and camping in the Rocky mountains. Plus I involved Larry in public events such as the George Lindsey Celebrity Golf Parade and Tournament when these were held in Montgomery.
Because my mother and I would always include Larry with us, whether it was going to the mall or upon a cross-country trip, Larry has developed his mind and character to a high ability. My mother and I always involved Larry in activities he enjoyed such that he has developed to his fullest potential. I doubt this would have been true if Larry were raised or cared for by someone who treated him like a doll or baby, as is the manner in which I have often observed Larry being treated by his niece, Sharon. Such treatment could result in Larry's regression and the occurrence of behavior problems over time.
Certainly the fact that my mother knew how close Larry was to me and how well I had treated him over the years was a factor in her nominating me to be Larry's guardian/conservator, should anything ever happen to her. After all, next to my mother there is no other person who has spent so much time with Larry, who has attended to his every need, who has been with him to all his doctor appointments, who has helped and cared for him through two cataract operations and who has attended to all of Larry's needs.
Every year for many years, my brother Greg has played Santa Clause, calling Larry upon the telephone, pretending to be Santa, asking Larry what his wants for Christmas. But the person who would actually go out and take Larry Christmas shopping was me! I would sit down with Larry and we would make a list for Santa Claus. Then I would take Larry to the mall to see the Christmas decorations, to browse through the stores, and especially to pick out books he wanted at B. Daltons or Books-a-Million. Where some would only pretend to be Santa Clause for Larry, I would BE SANTA! Plus I am the one who created Christmas every year in our home, putting up the tree, decorating it, wrapping all the presents and making sure that both my mother and Larry had a very special Christmas. This may not seem like much, but for Larry Christmas is a big deal. He would walk in the room and his face would light up, seeing the Christmas tree. Christmas 2003 will be the first Christmas Larry has ever been away from his mother, given Greg and Sharon abducted and kidnapped Larry, taking him away from his mother's side and away from a Christmas together with him Mom!
The abduction/kidnapping of Larry was a cruel and inhumane act. Larry's kidnapping was a planned act, one carefully orchestrated and covered up by false accusations and allegations designed to make other people believe that Larry was not being well taken care of at home. Never has there been a more vial set of lies cast upon our family than those told to justify Larry's abduction/kidnapping. This is, perhaps, an extreme example of how dementia disrupts a family.
Dementia is a disease which effects not only our elderly loved ones, but family members who must cope with the problems of caring for our parents and grandparents suffering from dementia. This is a stressful situation and when family members respond trying to place blame upon one another, making accusations which hurt, harm and destroy family ties, then the disease of dementia tears apart families, destroying the love which exists between brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, and other relatives. This is, perhaps, one of the worst aspects of dementia, for although it is an affliction of a singular individual, it carries with it a meme, a set of mental and emotional ideas which spread from mind to mind and infect all family members. Thus the ignorance and prejudice associated and how people respond to dementia in a cruel, loveless manner, causes hurt and harm; hence I have described dementia as a meme.
Richard Dawkins defined the concept of memes in The Selfish Gene. This is the theory that an idea or concept acts like a gene to have survival benefit for the organism which possesses the particular meme. In the case of dementia, that set of mental factors which characterizes dementia may be viewed as a meme. This then has ability to spread from mind to mind just like a virus. In the case of dementia and its effects upon family members, the meme nature of this disease becomes most obvious, for it reached out to destroy the idea of love which exists between family members and works devilishly to break families apart.
Whether you agree or disagree with this perception of dementia as a meme, the truth is that dementia destroys families. There is ignorance and prejudice associated with the disease of dementia and when people respond with cruelty or in unloving manners, the result is to cause hurt and harm. Therefore the cure in this regard is to respond with love, not hate or hostility, not with cruelty or unloving acts. It is the ancient idea, the teaching of those wise and wondrous profits from Jesus Christ to Mahatmas Gandhi, that we must love one another as we love ourselves. That is the cure for dementia the meme, for as we share our love those inflicted with the illness will see our affection, their hearts made warm and their minds, no matter how lost, made calm and comforted through the storm!
Thus those who have a family member afflicted with dementia must set aside their differences, resolve their disputes, and seek to love one another. This is perhaps the greatest lesson we can learn from being exposed to a family member who has dementia. For unless we love one another, their dementia becomes our dementia and sickens our hearts, minds and souls, taking us away from love and God!
Throughout our lives we will meet many people. Each person we meet has a lesson to teach, something we might learn that is of insight or value. We can learn from those elderly among us who have become confined to nursing homes, who have become trapped by a system which steals them away from loved ones, unseeing of the value of love, the bond between family and souls which is so vital to the preservation of life and happiness.
Some years ago I met a young girl, named Tory Tilford, who had rheumatoid arthritis. I was invited to photograph Tory when she and her parents met with Governor George C. Wallace. Tory's dream was to become a cheerleader. A few years ago I learned that Tory died. Her parents discovered the picture I had taken of Tory with Governor Wallace upon the Internet and wanted to thank me for the small role I played in Tory's life, having the cheerleaders at Cloverdale Junior High School make Tory an honorary cheerleader. I met Tory's parents for lunch and we talked about Tory. In memorium of this young girl I posted Tory's story upon the Internet. The lesson I learned from meeting Tory was that we each have our blessings, our special gifts in life; we each can make a difference, can make the world a better place.
One of Tory's special gifts was a beaming smile which reached out and touched others. She therefore made a great contribution as a poster child for the Arthritis Foundation. It matters not whether you are afflicted with a crippling, disabling disease such as childhood rheumatoid arthritis or with dementia at the age of 84 as is my mother. By focusing your life upon works of love, we can all make the world a better place!
My mother has been quite aware of my work over the years which is published widely upon the Internet. In fact, my mother has encouraged and supported my endeavors in this regard which are of an educational, informative and artistic nature. Certainly some of my sites and published work may be a bit profound, as is The Pyrotechnic Pen, a collection of editorial letters, and as is Damnation Dumpster, a site which promotes environmental conservation through advocating the elimination of landfills and encouraging people to recycle, but in this regard my mother knows that I've always been a political activist, one who takes the road less traveled, and counts this as a plus.
My mother was very proud of the fact I joined the United Methodist Church and started an on-line ministry. But the site she is most proud of is the memorial site I designed for my father, Lt. Col. Leonard P. Lynch. She is also very proud of the natural history sites I have designed related to my study of fireflies and bioluminescent Springtails, which have brought me some degree of international recognition and fame. Then too, my mother knows that the Project K9 site for dog fanciers has been very popular as have been the patriotic sites Support America and APA. And last but not least my mother is quite aware of memorial sites I have made for such celebrities as John Denver and Princess Di. These and many other sites I have designed, produced and published are a testament to my humanity and demonstrate that my heart, mind and soul are one which shines brightly, and is not tarnished by the sins and insanities which grip other lives.
Certainly my mother has long recognized the good works I have done and knows that I have a good heart and a loving nature. This is one more reason she recommended me to be guardian/conservator for both her and Larry. Plus my mother knows that she will go on living through me after she dies, for it will be my story of my mother's life and love which will be told, and truthfully done so, and other tales told will die, to blow away in the wind as so much dust and dried up dung of lies.
In honor of my mother and her struggle against dementia, I have been conducting an on-line campaign to educate and inform people to abolish the ignorance, prejudice and cruelty associated with this disease and how people respond to it. Please visit these related sites:
Since publishing this account of my mother's illness and the dementia she suffers, others have continued to respond with ignorance and prejudice. I have been forced out of my home and am in exile from Alabama. Yet I bare no bitter feelings toward those who have let ignorance, prejudice and hatred rule their lives and destroy my family. Rather I do as Jesus might do, and respond with love.
I still love Montgomery and the people of Alabama. Ours is a great and a beautiful state. Unfortunately the actions taken by the court and others have driven me from my home and from my beloved Alabama ... so I have produced these designs in exile and hope that they will be embraced by all and work to promote love all over the land!
The design below features an original, vibrant red rose heart and is a great way for all the people of Alabama to empress pride, joy and love for our great state!
In the many years that my family and I have lived in Montgomery we have contributed much to the community. My grandmother, Sue Lynch, worked at Rosemont Gardens for many years and helped provide service to members throughout the community in need of floral arrangements for Valentine's Day, weddings, funerals and other occasions. My father, Lt. Col. Leonard P. Lynch, was the transportation officer in charge of moving the troops who protected and secured the civil rights marchers during the original Selma-to-Montgomery march. My Mother, La Faye S. Lynch, has been a long time resident of Montgomery who cherishes the people of her adopted town. She now is a resident in room 13 at Crowne nursing home, having been made a ward of the state against her wishes and clear directives.
Montgomery has been good to me and my family so I want to give something back to the community and to the people of Alabama. Thus I've created a series of design items which will allow everyone to express pride, joy and love in their city and state. Please purchase these items as a way to help save my home and show that you care about family values and that love which is a most cherished part of all our lives.
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Copyright © 2003 - 2008 by Terry Lynch and Byteland.org. All rights reserved. Dementia As A Meme: A Family In Crisis was presented as a special tribute and Christmas gift to my mother, La Faye S. Lynch on December 25, 2003. I Love You Mom!